The Soul of Wit

Like compressed springs, tightly wound people fill the air with anticipation. You expect that eventually, they will slacken their standards, or - if you're lucky - roll off their pedestals like so many spools of thread and unravel before your eyes.

Now, I'm a soi-disant good girl - squeaky clean in every imaginable sphere (except, perhaps, the imagination). So naturally, on those rare occasions that I take off my invisibility cloak and subject my lifestyle choices to public scrutiny, I'm an obvious target for the corrupters. (Yes, you.) And I must say, they're not as dimwitted as they used to be, which is kind of a pity. I mean, my "I-can-make-you-feel-so-stupid-that-you-want-to-jump-off-the-campanile" glare is gathering dust, so I'm waiting for someone to pull it out of retirement by suggesting that I do something just because "Everyone's doing it!"

No, it's second semester now, and those truly obtuse specimens have been weeded out by natural selection (they passed out in a gutter and, like Edgar Allan Poe, never got up again). The "fittest," on the other hand, survived to learn the fine art of subtlety. Slyness is the vogue nowadays - unfinished statements designed to mess with my mind until I finish them in the desired fashion. I deserve to relax after midterms...so I should go out. No one can imagine what I would be like at a party...so I should go to one. All good girls have a wild side...so I should let mine out of its cage. Isn't that right, you tricksy little devils? (GOLLUM! GOLLUM!)

Sorry to disappoint, kids, but you're probably not going to see me dancing on tabletops any time soon. I'm more of a pole-dancing girl, myself. SERIOUSLY, though, I've got a very finely honed resistance to peer pressure: I surround myself with people and things through which I can live vicariously! Simple, yet ingenious. I get to encourage destructive behavior without self-destructing. I get the intoxication without the hangover, the savory morsels of scandal without the bitter (morning-)aftertaste.

With the right building blocks, anyone can build this fortress. First of all, you need a primary vessel, preferably someone that you talk to regularly, who will go have all the wild experiences and then share them with you. (My roommate - check!) Be the devil on this person's shoulder; convince her that she can have guilt-free escapades because you’re being boring enough for the both of you. It's a win-win situation!

This is all well and bad, but you might need reinforcements (on Friday and Saturday nights, especially). You may have a real person having fun for you, but you can't see it happen. Thus, your secondary line of defense is imaginary people having fun that you can watch. (Sex and the City - check!) That's right: movies and television are your pick-me-ups of debauchery and depravity.

These fortifications ought to hold up, but once in a while, you'll feel them crumbling underneath you. All that you have left to stand on, then, is a semblance of superiority. Let people think that you're good for all the right reasons - that you believe in moral absolutes and have principles from which you would never stray. It's amazing what a power-trip I get out of knowing that I could shock all my would-be corrupters with a mere fraction of what I'm capable of. You think I'm so righteous...I'd love to let loose just to see the looks on your faces, but I don't think you can handle it.

You might wonder, and rightly so, why I'm exposing my plan of defense; after all, now the corrupters will know what they're up against. The truth is, I don't think it makes a smidgen of a difference. I'm immovable, untouchable, and proud of it. Feel free to keep working on me, though - I've always enjoyed watching others fail.