The Soul of Wit

NOTE: Acknowledgments and Extenuating Circumstances

If you recognize portions of the following entry, it's probably because a version of it appeared in the May 2005 issue of University High School's student-run newspaper, the Sword & Shield. Even with the big-ass disclaimer that accompanied it, the article was a little bit outrageous; sometimes I really do wonder how it got printed. (I think the fact that I was the managing editor and one of my best friends was the editor-in-chief might have had something to do with it. Oh, and that we're both girls. But more on this outside the parentheses.)

So, here's how it went down. The Focus topic was "Perfection," and there was supposed to be a cute little section on the perfect guy and the perfect girl, from the perspectives of the respective opposite sexes. Your average, sickeningly adorable balderdash, right? Sure, until somehow, the most primitive, misogynistic, boorish excuse for a guy EVER was assigned to describe the perfect girl.

Typically, the problem didn't come to our attention until the day before the paper was to be printed, and by this time, we didn't have many viable options. Printing that obscene article side-by-side the sweet, sappy counterpoint written by the girl was out of the question, but cutting both articles at the last minute was equally impracticable. One article had to be rewritten, and the responsibility fell to yours truly.

I was stressed, upset, insomniac - but no excuses. I feel that I should apologize for my unthinking immoderation and...oh, who the hell am I kidding? This piece still makes me cackle and clap my hands in fiendish glee! Call it the feminazi take on "A Modest Proposal." If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, love, because I'm bringing out the flame torch. If you feel like creme brulee, however, read on.

Rather than allow further ruin of our world as we search - in vain - for the perfect man (read: oxymoron), we have instead decided to bypass all restrictive laws and simply sacrifice all men in favor of an ideal world.

Mass genocide - although appealing - is not feasible: we just don't have the womanpower. In addition, we are severely constrained by the unfortunate reproductive truths of our species. How then, you ask, can we rid the world of these incompetent vermin?

Allow us to humbly present for your consideration the Roach Motel Model (RMM): men check in, but they can't check out. In this highly efficient scenario, men are held captive in underground chambers (informally called the Motel) and utilized only for breeding purposes.

The logistics of rounding up all males for confinement aside, the RMM's plan of action is easily organized and enacted. Following is an excerpt of the constitution under which this system would seamlessly function.

Article I. No man shall be categorized or "tagged" without due process of the law. Once determined, categories are subject to amendment based on observation of appearance and/or behavior.
Incoming specimens are subject to a number of specific tests that determine their intelligence and attractiveness. They are inventoried and segregated based on these numerical results (See Article II); they cannot be discriminated against arbitrarily - only under the provisions of said test results.

Article II. Men, like children, should be seen and not heard. Furthermore, they should only be seen if they are good-looking.
Room distribution is determined under the stipulations of Article II. Men are rated by a team of aesthetic experts on a subjective scale: grotesque, unbearable, average, pleasant, or superior. Those designated as "superior specimens" in five of the seven essential categories (eyes, hair, physique, lips, smile, bone structure, and general poise) are housed in glass cells with variable lighting that is designed to accentuate their best features. Intelligent but unattractive men are kept in opaque-walled but tastefully decorated rooms in which they will be able to pursue their academic endeavors in peace. On this note, men who lack any redeeming qualities can find both purpose and healthy exertion on the massive exercise wheels (comparable to those of guinea pigs) we have developed to compensate for any energy shortages that may result.

Article III. In most cases, breeding shall be conducted artificially.
If the woman in question so desires, she can apply to the Bureau of Population Control and request an exception. Her claim shall be judged rigorously on the merits of her argument and on the ability of the Motel to provide the necessary accommodations for natural conception. Under no circumstances can a specimen deemed unattractive and unintelligent be permitted to contribute to the gene pool.

We issue a call to all women (and perhaps the very minute population of realistic men) for suggestions that we can incorporate into the ever-evolving RMM. Stay tuned for updates!

Thanks to Katherine W. and Kate M. for their contributions to the original article.
Any errors, revisions, or deviations are mine.